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Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.