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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.