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I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around