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Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.