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Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.