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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?