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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Never trust a skinny chef
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.