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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!