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First fart at my new job.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake