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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Attention fuels immaturity
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.