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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.