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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye