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“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.