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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?