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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.