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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.