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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.