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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.