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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!