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No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.