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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.