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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.