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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
My favorite beer is an open one.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?