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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like Iād be pretty good at that.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.