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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.