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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.