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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks