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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."