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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.