Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.