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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.