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Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.