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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.