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Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.