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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!