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Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
This status is mine....I licked it.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.