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is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.