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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.