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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
How long does it take to get obsessed?