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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.