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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords