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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.