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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.