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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now