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I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.