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I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...