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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.