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I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.