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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.