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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.